DaHoodie

some sort of new content to be displayed here in my rant page soon. maybe... sort of...

it's that time again! time for all of us lil peeps to unleash our selfish desires to the world in the form of a christmas list!  it's funny... I never realized how utterly selfish we are as children... until i grew up. i was at the fabric store the other night and there were these children just giving their mom a hard time... and when i say hard time i mean there will be a specially made circle of hell just for these kids...  and she looked tired and broken... and embarrassed by them...  It may be partly her fault for letting them get away with so much but there is a point where kids can understand what is kosher and what isn't... And it made me think... did we really understand what this season is really about? or did we just say we did so we could quickly get the whole "story" over with and open presents dammit!!!  i knew what the holiday was... but at the same time, i was the one getting the presents... not jesus...  Then as I got older it became less of a "me" thing and more about seeing the look on my little brother's face when he opened up the chess set i found for him... or hearing that cute little girl squeal from my sister when she got those books she wanted but i told her they were sold out... seeing tears well up in my best friend's eyes when we gave her something she really needed...  The year someone gave me and my family an envelope with 2000 dollars in it so we could eat and be taken care of... i get it now...  as I grow up i can understand why it was so important to my parents that i never wanted for anything during the holidays.  they celebrated Christmas in order to show us that finding happiness in others' happiness is satisfaction enough. They were trying to teach me that Christmas is much more than a story in the bible... much more than celebrating the birth of a man who in essence if you believe it, saved us all from ourselves.  it's not just a christian holiday...  it is a time to go out of your way and bring happiness to someone else... it is a time to random acts of selflessness the hell out of your community.  In a time when everyone is deflated and pounded into the ground, we need to find a way to turn down the gravity a little.  no matter how small... christian or non...  this is a time to show that love is a universal language and can break ANY barrier.  On that note, my friends... let me say that i love all of you and i hope your holiday is as good as ever.  

as for my christmas list... lolz
has anyone seen those ninja turtle snuggies???

1.blankets are always good
2.music
3.guitar accessories
4.PIE!!!
5.dr. pepper!!
6.stuffed leopard
  
     Thats really all i can think of... Oh! if you can find a way to make my mom walk again that'd be good too.  maybe if you can find time, pick a favorite charity and donate your time or if you can afford it, some money.  I know the red cross here in town is struggling... or even if you can't do that find a charity and learn about its cause... or instead of cookies and milk, give santa a Caesar salad and some diet pepsi. sugar high santa is scary...  merry chrismas!  And if you don't celebrate it, may any holiday you observe be a joyous one!

                           <3/ lahara

so...... a couple weeks ago I went over to my parent's house and my brother and his girlfriend were there... and had been staying there for a couple days... what? come to find out my brother had been fired... because they thought he'd been lying about being in the hospital which by the way wasn't a lie... they gave him the rest of the weekend off and bayli had to go take her cousin back to California. so Aaron went with her. didn't drive didn't do anything but rest like he was supposed to.  this is the best part of the story... there is this manager there who has it out for him cuz he turned down her request to date her... she's fucking married.   anyway, she knows that one of the other managers knows her family so she had his wife go ask where Aaron was... boom... fired... anything wrong with that? i think so...  any way my mom asked me if i noticed anything different about her... she was being nice for once... I asked what was up... Mom then proceeded to tell me that her and dad had a nice long talk with them. like my dad backed my mother's motorized wheelchair up against the door and sat in it so they couldn't get out.  CONFRONTATION!!! they told her that they had no problem with the fact that her and my brother were dating... in fact it was GREAT that they loved each other... what they had a problem with is how shitty she treated him... they wanted no more lies. none... and god there's a lot...  no more taking his money and using it to buy herself things they didn't need.. that she needed to help him take care of himself or he was going to die.  they also told them that if this little thing was going to work that they needed to help one another... otherwise it wouldn't be a fair love... she cried and promised to do better... cried in my mothers arms... MY mother... she's the last person who deserves to cry in MY MOTHER'S arms...   But my mother is a much better person than i ever will be...  i have my doubts as to how long bayl's promise to treat my brother better will last.  did I mention that he was pissed? Never fails either... anytime someone calls her on her bull shit he puffs out his chest and thinks being a thug is being honorable and defending his girl... no... have honor when someone is telling people she's a little whore and you know beyond a reasonable doubt that she isn't... have honor when some asshole comes and cops a feel as he walks past her.  be a man and defend her when she isn't doing anything wrong. don't be a thug and a bully and justify her bad behavior when you know damn well she deserves every bit of what she's getting. she needed to be called out.  i'm glad it happened. because if she's going to be a part of this family she's going to need to learn to love us just like we need to learn to love her.  and if she's not treating my little brother like a piece of shit on her shoe, it'll be easier for me to love her.  i want this to work for him... but i don't want her telling him that money is love.  working hard for your money so you can put a roof over her head and food on her plate is love.  not working hard so she can have a god damn ring from Tiffany.  it's a nice goal to work so she won't have to want for anything.  but she needs to realize that she's fallen in love with a poor boy high school drop out.  she's gonna want. and he needs to stick to his guns and be the man of the house. tell her no when she's out of line. tell her if she wants something nice to help out and save up.  making your own money is so rewarding. tell her that if she really and truly loves you, to get used to the class difference.  most people have no money... or very little if any.  BE A FUCKING MAN for god's sake...  i'm trying to figure out if i should give her another chance or not... my parents did... why is it such a hard decision then?  care to help me make it?

Dear Aaron:
           I think I finally have the courage to tell you that you are a douche bag. you are an asshole.  you have lost everything that made you who you were before you dove into a hellish nightmare that is your love life.  you have betrayed your family... stolen from them, lied to them, physically  assaulted them, and made them out to be something that they aren't.  you have let them very clearly see where your loyalties lay. and they lie in a bed next to a girl who is sucking out  every value and sapping you of your moral views.  she is making you a miserable person.  you don't want to admit it because you are too fucking proud to say that you were wrong.  she is using you in the worst way.  she doesn't love you. you are a joke to her.  she is fucking other people while you go out and work hard to support her insane love for the material things.  you are fake to my face and then you turn around and let her say bad things about me and mom and the rest of us while we are always willing to forgive you and take you back bur as soon as we tell you that you should leave her, we are the god damn bad guys. NOT ANY MORE!!! FUCK YOU! i'm tired of being the god damn heavy! i do huge favors for you and i don't get so much as a fucking thank you! I never get an i love you! NEVER! I was your friend for years when you didn't have any! i was your mentor when you didn't have any confidence! I helped you become the person i always hoped you'd be... where are you now, Aaron?  you are with her. you are letting her belittle and emasculate you and say things about your family and treat you like a piece of shit.  sometimes you finally muster up the courage to tell her to shut the fuck up but as soon as she opens her legs to you or shoves those whale tits into your face your fucking shriveled up penis takes over instead of your brain.  well you know what? you are a piece of shit.  you let her eat you up and shit you out.  and she thinks you're stupid for it too. she thinks that you'll never leave her because you don't call her bluffs. you fucking fall for them.  You fall for them so far in fact that she can go out and fuck other guys or girls for that matter and you won't do a god damn thing about it because "you love her".  FUCK YOU!  you have no idea what real love is you stupid mother fucker.  love is not telling your boy/girl that if they spent time with their families that you'll leave them. love is not telling you that if you really love them then you'll get them a fucking 30,000 dollar engagement ring.  love is not taking the money you put away for medical needs and spending it on stupid shit.  you let her own you, you stupid asshole! you let her chain your balls to a post in the back fucking yard!  you aren't a man you're a pussy.  She can go right ahead and tell you that we don't love you anymore because of your decision to leave the church. thats a damn lie.  i couldn't give a fuck about the church.  if you're stupid enough to believe it then you should have stayed in school. you're a stupid fuck.  a joke.  a coward. a liar. a traitor. a puddle of piss and semen in the corner of some alley way in a red light district.  you are the germ that feeds the plankton that makes the slime that is the scum that the pool guy scrapes off the bottom of a fish pond. i am done being a back bone to you. and when i slip away from your shoulders you will slump to a pile of wasted flesh and organs.  when she leaves you don't ask me to take you back because it will take much more than begging for me to even consider it.  too much heart ache. you are a bastard.  a stupid mindless fuck bag.  you are her bitch. and you are getting fucked in the ass and in every other orifice in your body.  fuck you and good bye.

if i got money for every time i've been a complete and total ass hole to people this summer I'd be fucking rich...  I've been...not myself as of late, i guess...  I wish i could fix things, and take back things i said and did... but life isn't like that, is it? sometimes i wonder if i screwed things up too bad to make any sort of rectification at all...  with any of the people i messed up on...  I feel like sleeping all the time.  Not really a good sign... feel like crying but i can't... not until something happens where all i can seem to do is fucking cry...  apologizing is losing its potency... like taking tylenol that's past its expiration date... expecting it to take the pain away but it doesn't seem to hold up to its end of the bargain.  I'm walking on eggshells around my best friend, and she I... she seems to think I'm always mad at her, which isn't the case at all... she makes me happy she really does, it's all me. she isn't to blame at all.  i'm so sick of fights, i hate them.  I've been so disrespectful to her, but not on purpose...  she almost left me to move back home... she gave me another chance, I'm grateful for it because i don't know what I would do if she did leave...  she says she doesn't think she can cheer me up anymore... not true... i just don't find myself showing it like I used to...  She's been through a lot of stress with her work and everything, i should be more supportive. I want her to succeed so badly, because it seems that if she doesn't have work she's worthless and that isn't true by any means.  she scored a potential future position with an old school friend doing graphic arts work... it's still in a conceptual state but she thinks it could take off.  i was skeptical about it.  and we fought.  because she thinks i have something against our friend, personally and not professionally.  she may have been right... frankly i don't trust him as far as i could throw him, and with my bad knee i shouldn't be throwing anybody... he likes to test his boundaries with pretty much anyone...  last time he hung out with us he tried to get us to go up to the bedroom with him and when i started getting aggravated he left while still a bit drunk and i said he could stay on the couch and he promptly retorted that if he was going to sleep alone he was going to do it in his own bed... that same night he was trying to get fresh with my friend... with her husband in the room... dude... little respect here...  he invited my roommate to vegas with him alone for like 4 days... inappropriate!!! she asked me if i would have been mad if she went... i told her i wouldn't have been happy, but i wouldn't have stopped her... inside i was saying to myself, of course i would have been mad... i would've been spitting fire. he assures that his intentions are pure and innocent but really he is planning things... he just acts like he isn't expecting things if they "happen to come up"  i love him to death i really do but i dont want to tolerate his bull shit... i want to protect her from it.  

           I want to be happy again.  I want to be myself again. I want to actually be included in things when my friends invite her to do stuff... they've been excluding me lately and i really don't blame them for it i guess... i'm a little monster...

        I don't want angie to think i'm trying to hide her away and keep her all to myself... i don't want her to think that i feel that i own her. she is not a piece of property, she is a person.  She has put up with my shit for years, and i don't know how much more she will take from me.  i don't deserve to have her as a friend if this is what i end up becoming.  i want to fix this but i don't know how.  i'm a fucking loser... treating people i love like garbage because i'm scared of losing... way to go, ass hole...  i'm running out of options, excuses, friends.... i'm trying to be better... has it worked? i have no clue... i've been apologizing to the people who deserve to be apologized to, been trying to be more fun to be around... the only person who has given me the chance is angie... i don't know if she's seen an improvement yet.... have you?